It's Richard

I've always given my friends shit, internally, when they've expressed something negative towards me and I feel very absolute in my belief that I know how they're feeling; But I never have that happen with something positive. I recently went out with a friend to a small, silly event and lots of pictures were taken of the two of us, she's posted them on Facebook now and I questioned why she would have done that? Well why would I have done that? I would have done it because I had a fun time with my friend, I enjoyed spending time with them and appreciated them. Realising that if others can share my negativity, they can also share my positivity has been such a beautiful thought, but I see that I haven't understood that in a while now. I'm going to try and think about the positive parts more - They feel much better.  I've had a very singular focus lately and I'm not really sure why. This last week has been pretty fantastic, not much has happened but I ju

Going to try and keep this a short one; I was watching that philosophy crash course series of videos last night and it got onto the topic of branches of Philosophy - There are a bunch but the one I care about for this is Aesthetics. I've always wondered why we perceive things as beautiful but I never realised there was a whole branch of study around it. That's pretty cool but it does make me wonder if any of my ideas will ever be original. If 100 billion people have existed the odds of me thinking of something first are incredibly slim. I can't help but think of the infinite monkey theorm, maybe there's another monkey out there that's grappling with the same problems as I am. Whoever you are, good luck, maybe one day we can compare notes.

So I missed a few days of posting; I'm ok with it if you are. I've had a pretty exhausting week so it all just got on top of me I think. My joints ache, my hands are totally eviscerated and I'm exhausted - But it kept me busy and that's great. I did 2 hours of weights, 35ish kilometres of running and an hour and a half of rock climbing. Not bad for a guy that was 125.1kg (~20 stone) a year or so ago. That number really has a special meaning to me because that's the point on the scales where I decided to take control of myself. I might get it tattooed somewhere, I do really want a tattoo but I'm not sure what to get - That would be something small that I could start with. Maybe. I've had some bad news about work. It might be a blessing in disguise but I've heard whispers that there might be random drug testing coming. That sucks because I certainly do like my special cabbage. I really think it's been helping me think deeply about stuff over the last

Alright this is an early one. I'm walking to work now so I thought I'd try and be efficient. What's probably going to happen is I'm going to end up going really slow or walking into a tree or something but I've decided that's ok. So straight away I plugged my earphones in; I frigging love music but I listen to it near constantly. The one day I went on a walk without music I ended up meeting a pretty cool dude. Maybe by distracting me from the world I want it to, it's also distracting me from the world I want to be apart of. Nah that sounds stupid, I think that's situational. I'm more concerned about the constant dopamine hit. I read about a thing called dopamine fasting where you can only really meditate, drink water, write and sleep for a whole day, apparently it's supposed to reset the reward centres of your brain. Maybe the reason I can't help but binge watch tv is because those reward centres are so outa' whack it's become like a

So, I wasn't going to post anything today; I accidently ran 17km instead of 10 so I'm pretty damn tired. But I thought I'd just sort of turn up and see what happens. I've been pretty happy these last two days and I can't really place why. I'm a programmer by trade and when code runs first time and appears to be working as expected that's generally a bad sign. It means you missed something more subtle than you are intelligent. So best care scenario is "I'm just happy". I'm immediately suspicious, is that allowed? Surely I can't just be happy for no reason. I probably sound fucking insane but that's just the problem - I'm concerned I am losing my mind. Sometimes I have these exhausting, manic days where I feel like a passenger in my own body just watching myself do embarrassing, cringeworthy or frankly reckless things. I don't feel like that now but I can't shake this feeling that this is either mania or at least a false

So I saw a video a few days ago that really resonated with me, it was about how much time we waste doing stuff that we think we enjoy, but deep down makes us loathe ourselves; You know I'm talking about Youtube. I've spent a lot of the last 5 years watching videos on there under the guise of "Expanding my mind" - Yeah right, how does the 69th compilation of some stupid vines expand anything? Sometimes I get this feeling like a clock is ticking inside of me and I don't know what it's ticking down to or how long is left to go; A friend of mine (Dave, a true blue Australian hero) says that that's just what anxiety feels like. So am I subconsciously tapping my watch to myself saying "Hey idiot, stop wasting your fucking life and achieve something"? Maybe. It's hard to lie to yourself because deep down you know when something is a lie and when I think I'm wasting my life I don't get the feeling that I'm wrong. So anyway back to this