M is for Mania

So, I wasn't going to post anything today; I accidently ran 17km instead of 10 so I'm pretty damn tired. But I thought I'd just sort of turn up and see what happens.

I've been pretty happy these last two days and I can't really place why. I'm a programmer by trade and when code runs first time and appears to be working as expected that's generally a bad sign. It means you missed something more subtle than you are intelligent. So best care scenario is "I'm just happy". I'm immediately suspicious, is that allowed? Surely I can't just be happy for no reason. I probably sound fucking insane but that's just the problem - I'm concerned I am losing my mind. Sometimes I have these exhausting, manic days where I feel like a passenger in my own body just watching myself do embarrassing, cringeworthy or frankly reckless things. I don't feel like that now but I can't shake this feeling that this is either mania or at least a false peak.

So that was pretty dark. Remember me saying about not being able to lie to yourself because deep down you know when what you're saying isn't accurate? I have that feeling now. I'm certain I'm just happy. It feels right to say that. I don't know why I'm happy. It feels right to say that this worries me, I think that's because I can't learn from it. But I'm not sure what to do about it.

I've been asking a lot of "why" questions lately. Whenever I think something I've been asking myself why I believe that to be the case. It leads to a black hole of non-answers, sort of like what happens when a child constantly asks why, but I have reached the bottom a few times. It feels good to understand things about myself. Maybe it's that? Maybe I feel a little bit more in control. That doesn't feel wrong to say. I think a lot of these why questions should have answers. I should be able to answer them. Maybe one day I'll be able to reach the bottom in just a few steps. Is that just being honest with yourself? That sounds good.

I wanted to get into some of my goals and stuff instead of this weird rant but I'm really shattered and my joints are giving me jip. I think I might get an early night tonight; I've got a busy day tomorrow wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

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