Wasting Time
So I saw a video a few days ago that really resonated with me, it was about how much time we waste doing stuff that we think we enjoy, but deep down makes us loathe ourselves; You know I'm talking about Youtube. I've spent a lot of the last 5 years watching videos on there under the guise of "Expanding my mind" - Yeah right, how does the 69th compilation of some stupid vines expand anything? Sometimes I get this feeling like a clock is ticking inside of me and I don't know what it's ticking down to or how long is left to go; A friend of mine (Dave, a true blue Australian hero) says that that's just what anxiety feels like. So am I subconsciously tapping my watch to myself saying "Hey idiot, stop wasting your fucking life and achieve something"? Maybe. It's hard to lie to yourself because deep down you know when something is a lie and when I think I'm wasting my life I don't get the feeling that I'm wrong.
So anyway back to this life-changing video I found. The gist of his complaint is that people don't know how to think anymore and I ironically think I agree with him - Easy-access entertainment has destroyed my ability to form a cohesive argument and has made me totally apathetic to life. Nah sorry I can't take the bins out today because I need to watch the 527th episode of Prison Break. Jordan says if you learn to think and formulate your ideas you become absolutely deadly, why would I want anything less than that? I've always thought I was destined to do something great (I'm a bit of a solipsist) but have I already squandered it? I'm 26 now and that infernal clock is only ticking louder and louder with every passing year. But this presents me with a new problem: What the fuck do I do with my life? I keep seeing posts about "How to be productive" and step one is "Wake up and list out your goals for the day". Well, what are my goals? Well, I want to be happy but I can't achieve that in a day so that doesn't work. Alright, let's break it down, what will make me happy? It sounds cheesy as shit but I think I just want someone to spend my life with that gets me. Well, I can't do that in a day either. These are life-long goals. I have no idea how to break them up into small chunks that are still meaningful. The next person that tells me to write out my goals for the day can go and suck a whole wheelbarrow full of dicks - I don't think that system is going to work for me.
So here I am instead, I've been doing a lot of introspection lately and it's definitely helped pull me out of a depressive spiral. Last week I was ready to open my wrists in the bath, I spent this week thinking and now I don't think that's what I should do. If that's not progress then I don't know what is. I suppose I'm here because letting my thoughts go free into the void might help me organise them more. I think I have a lot to say but nobody to really say it to, sure I have a lot of friends but some of this stuff is... I want to say deep but I think the correct term in "Fucking insane" and I don't it's an efficient use of friends to make them into my mental punching-bags. Besides, if they can help me then why can't I help myself? If anything, everyone else has less information about how I feel than I do so realistically I'm the best placed to deal with my own problems. If that's true then I'm the only one that can fix me. I can say for sure that I've gone through periods of not caring about myself; If I was my own friend I would be a shit friend. What if I cared for myself the way I care for others? What could I make myself accomplish then? Either it gets me nowhere and nothing changes, or it makes me unstoppable. That seems like a worthwhile endeavour.
This post may have been a total disorientated mess but I'm working on it. I'm tryingt to avoid reading and re-reading everything, constantly tweaking sentances slightly just because I wasn't quite happy with the connotations of certain words or worrying about sentance fragments in sentances that nobody is even going to read. Now that would be a waste of time.
Oh, and if you're interested, the video is here.
So anyway back to this life-changing video I found. The gist of his complaint is that people don't know how to think anymore and I ironically think I agree with him - Easy-access entertainment has destroyed my ability to form a cohesive argument and has made me totally apathetic to life. Nah sorry I can't take the bins out today because I need to watch the 527th episode of Prison Break. Jordan says if you learn to think and formulate your ideas you become absolutely deadly, why would I want anything less than that? I've always thought I was destined to do something great (I'm a bit of a solipsist) but have I already squandered it? I'm 26 now and that infernal clock is only ticking louder and louder with every passing year. But this presents me with a new problem: What the fuck do I do with my life? I keep seeing posts about "How to be productive" and step one is "Wake up and list out your goals for the day". Well, what are my goals? Well, I want to be happy but I can't achieve that in a day so that doesn't work. Alright, let's break it down, what will make me happy? It sounds cheesy as shit but I think I just want someone to spend my life with that gets me. Well, I can't do that in a day either. These are life-long goals. I have no idea how to break them up into small chunks that are still meaningful. The next person that tells me to write out my goals for the day can go and suck a whole wheelbarrow full of dicks - I don't think that system is going to work for me.
So here I am instead, I've been doing a lot of introspection lately and it's definitely helped pull me out of a depressive spiral. Last week I was ready to open my wrists in the bath, I spent this week thinking and now I don't think that's what I should do. If that's not progress then I don't know what is. I suppose I'm here because letting my thoughts go free into the void might help me organise them more. I think I have a lot to say but nobody to really say it to, sure I have a lot of friends but some of this stuff is... I want to say deep but I think the correct term in "Fucking insane" and I don't it's an efficient use of friends to make them into my mental punching-bags. Besides, if they can help me then why can't I help myself? If anything, everyone else has less information about how I feel than I do so realistically I'm the best placed to deal with my own problems. If that's true then I'm the only one that can fix me. I can say for sure that I've gone through periods of not caring about myself; If I was my own friend I would be a shit friend. What if I cared for myself the way I care for others? What could I make myself accomplish then? Either it gets me nowhere and nothing changes, or it makes me unstoppable. That seems like a worthwhile endeavour.
This post may have been a total disorientated mess but I'm working on it. I'm tryingt to avoid reading and re-reading everything, constantly tweaking sentances slightly just because I wasn't quite happy with the connotations of certain words or worrying about sentance fragments in sentances that nobody is even going to read. Now that would be a waste of time.
Oh, and if you're interested, the video is here.
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